Saturday, July 4, 2015

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER...what life is like for me...prequel.

know if I, or any BPD, can ever learn to feel the "gray".

The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) model is logical; "mind meeting emotional" - "mind creating wise mind". But sometimes it just doesn't work; you understand the logic but can't correlate the feelings. It's hard when you don't know if you can trust your feelings or if you should override them.

We struggle with this a lot.

I liken it to being color blind and needing to trust that the bottom traffic light is green but still worrying that it's not, or what to do if I come to a horizontal traffic light.

Here is another way I tried to explain this to my therapist. I'm in a room full of poles of mixed colors, but I'm color blind. The red poles will shock me if I touch them. I struggle through the room trying to learn which poles will shock me and which won't. The world sees this as an easy task, but until recently, I didn't I realize that I was color blind.

 Imagine a burn victim...a burn victim with 90% of their body burnt to straight nerves. Now imagine each nerve connected to one of 5 emotions (at least in my world... Five is what i identify with..) abandonment, fear, worthlessness, shame, and euphoria...(again, no gray). You lightly brush a burn victim (to this extent), it will cause unbearable feelings...and gray. So, mix unbearable feelings with past experiences, and in a sense no emotional get a frantic attempt to run away...or hurt before you get hurt. Or my Fave Madea line "if you gonna get got... U gotta get them befo' you get got girl..." life is dark and bleak, and When it hurts so fucking bad.